Bum Cuisine

I have thought recently about making my own modest addition to the literature of the cookery. "A Bum's Cuisine," I would call it: "Impecuneous Inspirations." Actually it's not that I'm all that poor--I just need to economize on sustenance to offset losses incurred elsewhere. I also get very bound to my apartment on occasion, and will refuse to go out to buy the staples that would go a long way toward making my next meal more tolerable. But the reading public need not be indulged with such piddling justifications: I would exploit the hell out of my perceived poverty as a sales gimmick, and the book would move off the shelves like rationed bread.

The important thing for the purposes of the project is that I have been cooking as if I were poor. Let me thrill you with a sample entry as an amuse-gueule:

Crapfish delite

On some afternoons, I can be found haunting the Bosporus shore, fishing rod in hand. My line has multiple hooks for multiple fish. A good cast will result in five or six wriggling silvery forms pulled from the water. I wrest these from their hooks, dump them in a jug of water, and continue fishing. The fish are exceedingly small, about the size of a thumb. Perhaps they are anchovies. I have no idea. At any rate they stream through the Bosphorus in their millions, and are almost entirely without taste. Crapfish. It usually takes an afternoon to fill the jug with enough fish for a meal, about a pound's worth. Once this is accomplished, I trudge up my hill and begin work on the evening meal.

First you must gut the fish and remove their heads. Because they are so small, it requires an expert touch to avoid pulling the fish apart and wasting precious protein. The guts and heads can be given to the neighborhood cats, who, like you, lack the means to purchase a better meal. Next heat vegetable oil to sizzling in a pan. Feel free to reuse the oil you used to prepare the morning's mineral fries. The oil is ready when it is just beginning to smoke. Now dump the gutted fish into the oil and add a spoonful of salt. Fry for five minutes, or until the fish have turned into a uniform gray mass. Adding mayonnaise and parsley flakes, mix the fried fish into a mash. Use the mash to form patties, then bread them. The patties can then be fried a pleasant shade of golden brown in the same oil, and then either eaten whole or tucked into mustard-slathered buns.

Note that if you do not have an entire afternoon to devote to fishing, it is always possible to purchase an entire kilogram of such fish from one of the local Balikcilar for about 85 cents. Because of its high protein and fat content, this dish can be regarded as an end-of-week treat, and will be a more than welcome departure from the lentil soup variations you have been slurping up all week.

Bon appetit!

I have actually made the above dish, and several others along the same lines. The next creation that I plan to feature is: When you're down to almost nothing: Yogurt Noodle Soup.